Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)
by TheResurrectionist
Summary: Lucifer discovers fanfiction, and with it, WINCEST. You can guess what happens next. Crack!Lucifer and Unintentional!Wincest Rated M for future graphic wincest, mention of torture and swearing. CHAPTER FIVE IS UP! Lucifer finds the Winchester's motel room, but are they ready for him? Reviews are candy, and who doesn't like candy?
1. Chapter 1

The day Lucifer discovered fanfiction was the day all hell broke lose for real.  
It wasn't like he'd deliberately looked for it. No one deliberately looks for fanfiction. He was pretty sure.

It had been a dark, bloody day in the Cage (as it usually was) when Lucfer got bored.  
All the demons were smart enough to know not to be around him when he got bored. That was how anal rape got invented, anyway.  
"Computers"were all the rage in 2005, so it made sense for Lucifer to have one too. He wasn't sure what they were, but it seemed like a big deal to have one. At least to the humans. So, he conjured one up and sat down.

He'd seen humans do this plenty of times. When they wanted to get bored and still have fun, they turned on these big machines and simply stared at the screen for hours on end. He didn't really understand why. Sometimes they did other things besides stare, but Lucifer wasn't gonna go into that.

Running his eyes over the "computer", he pressed the large "power" button on the middle of the box. A humming noise sounded as the computer lit up.  
"Jesus!" He exclaimed.  
The computer spoke then. "Welcome."  
Holy shit. His computer's name was Jesus.

The screen lit up, a picture of a green field appearing as a background.  
Oh no. That couldn't do.  
He snapped his fingers, and the screen turned into one of his favorite views of hell. If he looked real closely, he could still see the large burn mark in one corner where he'd blasted a demon who decided to bite him.  
He shuddered. Demons were really fucked up. He still had the scar.  
Eventually, the computer stopped loading, and the machine quieted. That was better. Everything should be quiet in his terrifying presence. He WAS the devil. Duh.

He moved his hand to the "mouse", something the humans used to move a "cursor" across the screen.

Hmm. Could be interesting. The mice weren't real, though. Maybe it was all a trick! Lie to them about what it is and screw with their head when it isn't what they expected!  
He should make that a new torture method.

No, that was stupid. He would be mocked by all the demons.  
He grabbed the mouse and clicked on the icon labeled "Internet" but it wasn't Internet Explorer, because he wasn't stupid. He had created his own "Internet" because even without computer skills he knew Internet explorer was a piece of shit. Seriously. Everyone knew that.  
He was pretty sure.

After spending about a month locked away trying to figure out the Internet, a new website caught his eye.

What was fanfiction? Even the name sounded like pure evil.  
He clicked on the link, looking at the websites summary.  
Hmmm. Stories written by humans for tv shows? This was new.  
Apparently, the top two categories were something called "Glee" and "Supernatural".  
He thought about it. Glee sounded like happiness, and he hated happiness. Supernatural, it was.  
He clicked the link, surprised as he saw the thousands of stories uploaded. These humans really liked this stuff?

Apparently, it was about two brothers named Sam and Dean. They traveled around in a black Chevy impala (now that was a sexy car) and fought demons. Wait, what?  
They killed his little demons? His little black eyes babies?  
His MANIPULAIVE, lusty, stupid, greedy black eyed demons?  
Yeah, he didn't really care that much. Whatever. Not like it mattered too much to him in the Cage. All they did was whine at him about how terrible it was these days. What could he do about it? Seriously. They needed to figure their own crap out.

Sam and Dean were usually described with words like "shaggy" "green-eyed" "lanky" "muscular" "towering" "bad boy" and his personal favorite "Sasquatch"  
Apparently all the authors thought the boys looked like gods or something because whenever these guys took their shirts off, things automatically got hotter than the sun.  
Lucifer agreed, eventually. It was pretty hot, and what else we he gonna do in the cage? Talk to the demons? Psh, no.  
It took a few more months, but Lucifer got hooked. He lived, breathed and loved wincest. AUs, curtain fics, even j2. He read them all. He commented on other posts, prodding more stories to make him cackle in glee every time they posted. He was a god, and these humans knew it. They even wrote stories for him! He just had to tell them it was his birthday, and BOOM. Instant wincestiness. He was pretty sure that wasn't a word, but hey. He was the devil. He could make up stuff when he wanted to.  
He was in the middle of a fantastic new wincest fic involving trees (yes, that stuff happens) when a demon knocked on the cage door.  
"What?" He yelled through the small slot in the door the angels left. Apparently, it hasn't been bad enough to lock him up. They had to lock him up and make him listen to the demons all day.  
The demon cleared its voice. "Umm, sir. There's been a development."  
Lucifer cleared his throat. "Pertaining to what?" He asks officially. He could be the boss when he wanted to.  
"The Winchesters, sir."  
Lucifer's world spun and crashed. Did the demons know? About...it? The wincest?  
"Who?" He asked gruffly.  
"The winchesters, sir. The ones who are going to free you."  
Oh yeah. Wait, the winchesters were the prophesied brothers? Oh heeeel no. They were fucking real?  
"Fine. Leave." He said, barely being able to keep his excitement contained. The second the demons footsteps disappeared, he let loose a Girly scream. THE WINCHESTERS WERE REAL.

A/N To be continued? PM me or review, lemme know! Reviews are my potatoes!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N So, lots of requests to keep going. Here's the unintentional wincest and bad writing wrapped in a bow! Saty classy and review, people! :)

Dean Winchester was by no means a pansy. He drank beer, rode a classic car and slept with too many women. He was not gay. Obviously. No crazy gay crisis ever had popped up, and he was fine with that.  
He had no problem with gay people. People might not see, but under his leather jacket and stellar looks, he really was a caring person. Exactly why he covered it up with the badass attitude, but hey. Moot point.  
So, having a wet dream about SAM of all people was very bad. First of all, incest. Then, came the whole gay thing. He really couldn't decide which was worse.  
All he could see was SAMs face as he groaned under him, slowly going to bits as he whispered "baby boy" to him, twisting hands and moving fast. SAMs eyes as he came, groaning his name. It was the sexiest wet dream he'd ever had, and it was really freakin him out. He still had a boner, too embarrassed too jerk off.  
That was how Sam found him later, head in his hands while sitting on his bed.  
"Hey, Dean I-"  
He paused, staring at his brother.  
"I feel it too," Sam said suddenly.  
Dean looked up surprised by the heat in Sam's eyes.  
"You know why I can't do it then."  
Sam shook his head. "Dean, our lives have been fucked up for so long...why is this a stretch?"  
And goddamnit if his puppy eyes weren't out in full force.  
"Sam." He said huskily, aroused by the lust he saw in his brother's eyes. "We can't do this. We're brothers! It's wrong!"  
"I don't want to be right." Said Sam, suddenly tackling Dean on the bed as he pulled their mouths together, hands moving fast and furious as sexual tension finally was released. Cries could be heard throughout the night, well into the morning until both brothers were sated. And all that was wrong was ignored. For once.

Lucifer decided that was totally what should happen to the real winchesters. And he totally wrote it too! Maybe he should actually start posting, instead of lurking like so many accused him of doing.  
The real winchesters were in a perfect spot to be manipulated. Both were asleep right now, and it wouldn't take much to sneak a sexy wet dream into Deans thoughts and a couple fantasies into Sam's.  
His plan was freakin perfect. And he was pretty sure no one would complain with his meddling. Hell, the wincest Fangirls were ready to chop off their arms and legs to get a glimpse of some brother on brother action.  
Sometimes he thought the humans were even more fucked up than the demons.  
No, he thought, rubbing the bite mark slowly. It was a pretty even tie.  
Time to begin his plan. And no, that was totally not a cackle that just escaped Lucifer's mouth. He thought of it as a manly scream or power.  
Wincest was his!

Xxxxxxx  
Dean some up to cold hands on his back, something completely out of the ordinary for him. He usually left the girl he slept with afterwards, never staying around to "cuddle" or anything stupid like that. Dean Winchester, manly man.  
Which totally was forgotten as he turned over lazily in the bed and found a naked, snoring Sam with his hands on his BARE back.  
Head rate skyrocketing, he sat up only to realize that he too was completely naked.  
"What the FUCK?!" He said loud enough to scare birds off the sill outside. It woke Sam up too, who stretched lazily until he saw Dean's face.  
"HOLY FUCK!" Was Sam's response.  
Both boys jumped out of bed, grabbing discarded clothes and shoving them on, eye contact the last thing that was ever going to happen. When both boys were fully clothed, Dean spoke.  
"What the fucking hell, Sam?"  
His brothers eyes were wide, cringing a little as he moved. "I dot know man, but I know what it looks like."  
"Huh, you fucking think?" Was deans reply, still in freak out mode.  
"Calm down," said Sam. "Let's just see if there aren't some...clues...why we did this."  
"We didn't do anything!"  
Sam's face was pained. "I think we did."  
Dean looked at him. Sam looked great, almost glowing(why was his mind thinking that?) but he was slouching a little, face marked by lines of discomfort.  
Deans panic level dropped. "What do you mean?"  
"Dean...I'm...ah..a little SORE. Down there."  
Deans mind took a few seconds to catch up.  
"Oh. Ohh."  
Sam nodded, face flushing. "I'm gonna sit. But I think this proves what we did last night."  
Dean nodded. "Sam...no offense. You're beautiful, but I don't really swing your way. Nor do I go for the whole incest thing..."  
Sam's face screwed up. "Dude, me neither. But why did it happen?"  
Deans smirk had come back. "I dunno, man. But I always knew you'd be the bottom!" He cackled, dodging Sam's pillow. Eyes locked again as a wave of heat passed between them, turning both men on.  
"Craaaaaaap." As all Sam could say before they lunged for each other, locking bodies again as the world crashed around them.


	3. Chapter 3

"DEAN!"

"SAMMY!"

"DEAAAAAN"

"SAMMMMYYYY!"

Wow, his puppets were really getting a work out. Sam and Dean had never looked hotter, pressed against each other, moaning the other's name. Even if he had to use a little angel mojo to get them there, so what?

It'd been about a week since Lucifer had thrown together his wincestous plan (Also known as plan "Totally get the Winchesters to screw each other while Lucifer squeals) and it'd been heaven. Okay, not heaven. He knew what heaven was like. But this was pretty damn close.

Lucifer was pleased. The Wincest he'd only read about was even better when you could see it! But, it still wasn't the best it could be.

He needed to be in the same room as them.

Now, for normal angels, this was no problem. But Lucifer wasn't really an angel anymore, and when daddy throws you into a demonic time out, it's not easy to get back out. And trust him, he'd tried.

The lock had been on his cage for millenia, and he could still remember God telling Michael how to close it.

"Firmly. Michael. Good. Just like that." So help Lucifer if he'd made an incest joke back then. Michael's face was so worth the punishment.

God, again, had not been pleased, and told him he'd let him out when he'd learned his lesson.

Well, it had been a couple thousand years or so, and the demons were as awful as ever. He wanted wincest, and it was probably the one thing he truly had ever desired.

If he was such a devil and dabbled in evil so much, what was a little threesome with awesomely not gay brother doing each other?

He's pretty sure God would have a threesome with them if he could see them right now.

"ooooohhhh." came Dean's voice from the computer, mouth making pornographic noises while his eyes said "shoot me now motherfucker, I am so not cool with this shit" and so forth. Sam had gone on autopilot, puppy dog regret too much to handle while being forced to blow your brother.

Lucifer supposed it was humiliating if they didn't truly desire each other. But Lucifer didn't think of it that way. He thought of it like the fangirls did.

Sam was Dean's and vice versa. They were made for each other! And, brotherly incest was hot. Not that he'd ever screw Michael. Maybe if he was drunk.

Ok, really drunk. Michael wasn't known for his charm. At least Dean could tease Sam as they were forced to "make love".

Lucifer's fangirl squealed at that expression. This was the best plan ever! but, back to the main idea.

He needed to escape his cage. And quickly, if he could tell by the cries on his computer.

"Michael?" he called on his angelic brother, praying to someone (but not god) that he would come.

As he always did, Michael showed up irritated. Lucifer was pretty sure Dad had sat on Michael when he was a baby, cause boy was his face ugly. Ok, not true. All the angels had "beautiful angelic faces" yada yada yada. But Lucifer was pretty sure Michael always looked like a stick crawled up his butt and made stick babies with the other stick that was there. Seriously.

"What?" he asked, flexing his muscles as he turned to glare at Lucifer.

"Oh, cmon Mikey. Don' be like that, honey." Lucifer drawled back at him.

Michael's face twisted to a look of confusion. God, the idiot. He still didn't understand human customs like Lucifer did.

"I need to..." he said.

Michael frowned. "You need to what?"

Lucifer waved him closer, trying to whisper. "I need to do...that one thing. remember, we talked about, like three thousand years ago?"

Michael shook his head. "I do not remember that."

Lucifer smiled. "You were really really drunk. And Gabriel was convincing you to do LSD, and I pulled you away, remember?

And you said if I ever needed anything..."

Michael still looked confused. "I do not remember that either."

Lucifer sighed. "You were REALLY drunk. Cmon, help a friend out?"

Michael sighed as well. "Fine. What do you need?"

Haha. Dumb box of bricks.

"Ah, I need to...ummm..._urinate._"

Michael looked serious all of a sudden.

"I'm so sorry, Lucifer. I'll give you some privacy. How long do you need outside of the cage?"

"Ah, twenty minutes?"

He's gotta love Gabe for teaching the word _urinate _Michael like it was some kind of death sentence above all cancerous thingy. Total failsafe. He can't believe it could be this easy to escape. Why hadn't he done this before?

Lucifer nodded, fake tear trailing down his face.  
"It's just so hard, you know?" he asked, voice breaking.

Michael nodded, face serene as he unlocked the cage door. Unbefuckingliveable. He was free! WINCEST TIME!

His computer decided to speak up then, Sam and Dean's simultaneous orgasm sounding like two cats mewling.

Lucifer ignored it, but Michael looked confused (Which was probably his prime state of function, dumb shit) and glanced at Lucifer.

"What is that?"

Lucifer had an idea. And things never went well for the other party when he did.

"It's father's new...documentary. He said all the angels need to watch it, but...since I'm going to...you know..._urinate..._he decided I should see it too. Maybe you can watch it for me while I'm gone?" he asked, tears streaming down his face in the way Sam Winchester did whenever he wanted something. Guy was a cry baby, but he loved him.

"Oh, alright." Michael said dumbly, sitting down at the computer. "What is this called?"

Lucifer giggled as he tiptoed out of the cage. "It's called PORN."

Closing the door behind him, he locked the cage (Michael left the key in when he walked in) and watched through the window.

"Lucifer..." Michael said. "I don't understand, why is he tied up? Should I go save him?"

Lucifer gave way to free chuckles as he stalked down the hallway. "No, he's okay. But maybe you should go read the folder I have marked _crobby._" he said, laughing. If given the chance to scar his brother, old men gay porn was the way to go. Jus sayin.

Michael apparently clicked it, (Lucifer had no idea how he even knew what a computer was) and soon, other moans could be heard.

Groans and screams echoed behind him (not the ones he was used to, but hey, torture was so three weeks ago) and there was no sun,

but Lucifer was free, and Wincest was about to become Wincester.

He giggled. He even came up with his own ship name. This was gonna be a good day.

A/N Keep going? Or is the bad crack too much? :)


	4. Chapter 4

Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say) Chapter Four(?)

A/N Update! Pure crack! Disclaimer: I don't own the Winchesters or Foreigner. All rights go to them. If I did…I'll leave that to your imagination. J

Lucifer came up out of Hell in New Jersey, which honestly didn't surprise him. The last time someone got possessed here, they just made a tv show about it. Snooki was honestly terrifying, but Lucifer figured as long as he stayed out of her way, all would be well.

He managed to hail a cab, taking him to the nearest train station. As always with Lucifer, the ride was eventful.

"Put on some music." He ordered the cabbie, who shot him a look but hit the radio. Foreigner's "Head Games" came blasting on, surprising Lucifer.

"Don't you have anything better to play?" he asked the cab driver.

"You don't like it, don't' listen." The cabbie replied.

_Fine._ Thought Lucifer. At least it wasn't Britney Spears.

He dozed on his drive, lyrics twisting in his head as he thought about the Winchesters. And the upcoming Wincester threesome.

_It's always the same, and you know who's to blame,_

_You know what I'm sayin'? Still, we keep on playin'_

_Head games…._

_So near, and so far away….we pass each other by 'cause we don't know what to say.._

Oh my god. This was the perfect Wincest song! Why hadn't he found this Foreigner group and made them into demons?

Oh yeah. Because he hated demons. Oh well.

The rest of the ride passed in silence, and when he got to the station, he left the cabbie without paying. Which, apparently, you need to do.

"Hey! Come back here! You owe me thirty bucks, asshole!"

Lucifer ignored him, walking forward calmly. Stupid humans.

The cabbie apparently didn't agree with that, and came forward with his baseball bat.

"Gimme the money!"

Lucifer had had enough. He turned around, letting his eyes flick to their inky black scary eyes of doom.

"Make me."

The cabbie paled, backing up quickly. Lucifer tried not to laugh as the man tripped over his own feet trying to get away.

He made his way to the ticket counter, stopping in front of the first one.

"One ticket to New York." That was where he'd last seen the Winchesters.

"Sure. How will you be paying today?" the pleasantly plump counter woman asked.

"How about the bones and flesh of your children?' he asked, making his eyes burn red. Man, he really liked freaking the fuck outta the humans.

She gasped, paling like the cabbie had. "Here's your ticket, sir." She said, holding the ticket in trembling hands. "H-have a nice day."

Oh, he was.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sam was in the middle of number four hundred and twenty of marathon sex, and he was about to ask Dean to kill him. Except he couldn't. Whenever he opened his mouth, the only thing that could come out was a groan or a curse. He was seriously pissed.

Not to mention how he was pretty sure he was never going to be able to walk again. Whatever this curse was, it wasn't wearing off. Sam could feel blood slicking his thighs, and he knew some people were into that kinda thing, but blood took rough sex a little far.

He knew Dean probably had it worse, having to fuck his little brother repeatedly. Dean's groans had turned into pained whimpers, and not the good kind. They'd both tried stopping, rolling over or hitting the other, but nothing would work. It was like some god or creature didn't want this incest to ever stop, and Sam didn't know how much longer they could last.

It had turned into night, the sex turning hours into minutes and back again. Sam couldn't even feel his legs, limbs like jelly, centering around the point of pain in his middle. This was seriously the worst thing that'd ever happened to him.

He groaned (And not in a good way) when he heard the door opening. He knew Dean couldn't have opened it, as he was still screwing himself into oblivion, but he couldn't raise his head to see who it was.

Suddenly, the feeling that he needed his brother to fuck him disappeared, and he let out a cry of relief. Sliding off of Dean, he curled up in a ball on the bed.

"My pretties!" he heard someone shout. "Are you ready for me?"

Sam turned to see a tall man with sandy blonde hair in the door way, shit eating grin on his face.

"Sam!" the man said, eyes wandering to Sam's thighs. "Why are you bleeding?"

Sam couldn't manage anything other than a groan. Dean, however, was stubborn enough to talk back.

"Fuck, you…asshole." He managed between breaths, holding himself in his hand. Sam knew it had to hurt, and thanked his lucky stars his jewels had nothing to do with it.

The man's grin grew bigger. "That's the idea."

Oh, shit.

A/N Reviews, however short, are my only happiness! Okay, I lied…but…Lucifer lies, and he's cool, right? Right?


	5. Chapter 5

A/N Another update! Nice to be back writing crack. Drop me a line if you have a request! J

Lucifer had the world in his hands. Two beautiful, naked Winchesters in a motel room. Sweaty from having sex _with each other. _To a wincest fangirl (Fanguy?) like him, this was euphoria.

"Winchesters." He said slowly. "Let's get to know each other a little better, hmm?"

Dean, always the rebellious one, sat up a little and growled at Lucifer.

"Fuck off, asshole. Are you the one who did this to us?"

Lucifer was surprised at the question. "No, that would be the ultimate bond between you and your brother that both of you have denied for years. You LOVE each other. Even if it's wrong."

Sam looked up at Lucifer then, hangdog expression on his face.

"I love m'brother n'all, but not this much." He slurred, gesturing weakly at his thighs, still covered in blood.

What? They didn't love each other?

"That's ridiculous, Sam. Of course you love Dean. That's why you finally gave in and had sex." Okay, so maybe Lucifer helped already, but that bond had to be there already, right?

"Dude." Said Dean. "I don't give a fuck who you are. But I don't love my brother like this. In fact, after I can lift my dick off of my stomach, which is covered in HIS come, thank you very much, I think I'm gonna go kill myself."

He let his head drop down weakly on Sam's shoulder, who moaned a little as he shifted.

"Dammit, Dean." Lucifer said, trying to sound like Sam when he wanted something.

"Let's just all have sex, okay? Then, afterwards, you'll see everything a little differently. Kay?"

Dean flipped him the bird with his eyes closed, while Sam just moaned a little again. The blood stain around his legs WAS getting a little big. Maybe the nonstop sex wasn't a great idea?

"Well, I'm Lucifer, and I'm the Devil, so whatever I say is law. You have to listen to me! And I want a threesome!"

Didn't they understand that they needed to listen to him? He decided to flash his eyes red a couple of times, to get his point across.

"The devil, huh?" Asked Sam softly. "Cooooooool." He mumbled.

This caused Dean to break out in a fit of hysterical giggles, Sam joining him. Lucifer just stood there.

"Are you two high or something?" He thought about it. "Oooh, getting ready for me? I knew there was a reason why I liked you!"

"Dude." Sam said. "What if this is all a really really bad dream?"

Dean looked at him. "I wish. But why would this guy be in it?"

They both looked at Lucifer. "The Devil?" asked Dean.

"Yeah." Lucifer said simply, confused.

"And you want a threesome?" Dean asked incredulously.

"Uh huh." Lucifer nodded.

Dean nodded back. "Nope, not gonna happen."

Lucifer decided now was the time to be forceful. "I said NOW. Please let's start before I hurt someone!"

Sam looked at Dean suddenly, catching his eye. "Now?"

"Now." Dean said, shifting so Sam could lay his hand on the sigil Sam had drawn on the back of Dean's leg in his own blood.

"Eat it, asshat!" he said as Lucifer was lit up in light and he knew no more.

Sam stared at Dean as the light faded, groaning as the pain he'd ignored for the last few minutes decided to come back with a vengeance.

"Dude," Dean started. "How did you know what sigil to draw?"

Sam looked at the ceiling. "Bobby showed me a couple weeks ago. Pretty lucky it worked, huh?"

Dean laid his head back and groaned, hating the icky stink of blood and sex that filled the room. "Bobby. How the hell are we gonna explain this?"

Sam blushed. "Our marathon sex?" he closed his eyes, trying to ignore the fact that he wasn't ever going to be able to walk again. "Dude, we are really fucked up."

Dean nodded. "Yeah. Yeah we are."

Lucifer appeared back in the train station, blown back by a sigil he didn't know was on earth anymore.

Oh, those Winchesters wanted to play hard to get? Fine. He'd play.

And Lucifer never lost.

Never.

A/N Drop me a review? What should happen next? J


End file.
